Okay, the anime references need to stop. It’s not like they’re undermining my articles or anything, it’s just that my crippling social anxiety won’t allow me to share my hobbies or interests with others. I mean think about it: I’m going to inevitably become the next Zach Lowe and host a podcast where I have fun, insightful conversations with NBA players. And what’s every single player going to do before they come on my show? That’s right, they’re going to go back and read the old nonsense column I wrote for Raptors HQ. If the anime references don’t stop then they’ll find out I like anime, and once the players find that out, they’ll bully me and call me a nerd on my imaginary future podcast. So, clearly the anime references need to stop.
I’ve spent all week thinking about which element of pop culture I’m going to reference in every single one of my columns from now on. It needs to be something more mature and sophisticated than anime. However, with precious few hours left before this piece is due I’ve opted to postpone that fateful decision until next week. If there’s one time of year when fun and good content can stand on it’s own it’s All-Star Weekend.
I’m also making a second change this week, no more lengthy and largely irrelevant tangents. Since I wrenched this column free from the iron grip of the supreme Raptors HQ overlord I have always delayed the fun and good highlights, hiding them under paragraphs of purple prose that have little to do with the highlights in question.
No longer. Here are our highlights:
These plays aren’t really built for tangents anyways. It’s best to admire them for what they are. Kyle Lowry is a dead eye shooter and a total lucksack. DeMar DeRozan has nasty footwork and the Chicago Bulls are bad, bad, not good at defense.
That’s not to say old me wouldn’t have gone on a tangent. Without the self-implemented ban on anime I might have referenced the Yugioh card Pot of Greed in an effort to explain the concept of a two for one. Now however, I soldier forward with unshakeable self-restraint to discuss the All-Star Weekend. My imaginary podcast is at stake.
I’m not actually going to discuss the All-Star game in-depth, however. The game was fun and good, or at least much funner and better than it has been in recent years. Kyle Lowry almost had a rebounds/assists double-double and DeMar DeRozan led his team in scoring. Dwane Casey provided us with yet more proof that he is superior to Brad Stevens in every conceivable way. All of these things were fun and good, but they were also covered in more detail elsewhere on this site.
Brad Stevens coaching = worst asg of all time— Jacob Mack (@FreeKobiSimmons) February 19, 2018
Dwane Casey coaching = best asg in recent memory
Instead I’m going to focus on the second day of All-Star weekend. For on that day I received a reminder that, while the 2017-18 Raptors are fun and good, they could still be funner and better. No, I’m not complaining that Kyle Lowry sucked in the 3-point contest (again), I’m talking about Donovan Mitchell’s jersey.
In the last round of the slam dunk contest Donovan Mitchell donned a vintage Raptors jersey. He did a dunk afterwards, a shameless rip off of an old Vince Carter dunk. Mitchell’s dunk was much worse than the original, but that’s not what matters. What matters is the jersey. The jersey Mitchell wore was much better than the one worn by Vince Carter in 2000. It was the purple dinosaur jersey, the funnest and best jersey in Raptors’ history. This jersey is much, much better than any of the jerseys being worn this year by the Raptors, all of which are boring and bad. The Raptors should absolutely bring the purple dinosaur back and, even if they don’t, there are a myriad of ways they can learn from it. These include, but are not limited to:
- Purple: Purple is the best colour in the known universe and yet the Raptors decided to abandon it as their chief colour. They should fix that. Make the black jerseys into purple jerseys.
- Big, prominent logos: Take the city jerseys for example. You’re trying to make an OVO jersey, why are you messing around with this chevron nonsense? Just slap an OVO owl on there, it’ll look way cooler and I’m sure Drake would be fine with it.
- Cool fonts: Think how many jerseys would be ruined by the boring block font the current Raps use. The throwback Mitchell wore, the new Miami Vice jerseys, every single Lakers jersey, the old mountain Jazz jersey. The list goes on. Last year’s Chinese New Year alternate was awesome despite not having purple or a prominent logo. A simple font change can go a long way.
The Raptors are undeniably fun and good, yet they should still strive to improve. This is their most obvious weakness. They do not need Arron Afflalo. They need purple. Get it done Masai.