Kyle Lowry to be “Assistant Coach” for the All-Star Celebrity Game

Continuing a rich and august tradition dating all the way back to, uh, 2003, the NBA will hold its All-Star Celebrity Game on Friday, February 17th, 2017 at 7pm. This is, along with the rookies vs. sophomores game, the kick-off event for the league’s entire three-day extravaganza, and it requires the biggest of names.

One of those names this year will be the Raptors’ Kyle Lowry. He’s been selected as an assistant coach for the celebrity team led by ESPN’s Jemele Hill. At press time, it is presumed that Lowry will handle more of the X and O’s stuff than the other assistant coach of the team [double-checks paper for the ninth time] rapper Fat Joe. (No word on how Prop Joe feels about all of this; man, two Wire references in two days, I’m losing it.) It also remains unclear which of these three coaches will try to rein in Brazilian legend Oscar Schmidt’s relentless gunning. This is high drama.

You can check out the entire rosters for both teams over here. And then wonder how Win Butler, he of the confrontational post-game interview, got an invite back. Other highlights (to me) include the continued presence of Tom Cavanagh, the incoming chance to watch Mark Cuban run, and the potential for a Baron Davis vs. Jason Williams stunt off. Sadly, Drake will not be around to pretend to be a real coach, but this game will have 100 percent less Kevin Hart. Small mercies, I suppose.

(That said, it feels vaguely insulting to put current WNBA players in the game, as if they aren’t kickass ball players in their own right. You’re telling me Candace Parker should be made to share a court with Ansel freakin’ Elgort? Get outta here.)

Let’s wish good luck to Lowry on what will no doubt be a taxing evening of talent wrangling.