‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: The 2017-18 Raptors Wish List

‘Tis the season and all that.

With Christmas knocking on our doors it’s high time we take a second and think of what to give to our Toronto Raptors to thank them for all the gifts they’ve given us to start arguably the most impressive season in Toronto hoops history.

Of course, not every gift is necessarily one they want. After all, as the givers, we have to figure out what our givees need, right?

Alright, time to make like Santa!

The 2017-18 Raptors Wishlist

DeMar DeRozan:

Like a week, a single week, where a member of the media doesn’t discuss his game by bringing up his on/off court splits.

Kyle Lowry:

A new shoulder chip.

OG Anunoby:

His own web-series. Ideally one where he cooks spaghetti. It’d be the best 12 minutes of silence of your life.

Jakob Poeltl:

A better dunk call than “the Austrian Hammer.” Can we make: “climbing Jakob’s ladder” a thing? (No? Fine. I hope you get nothing but coal in your stocking.)

C.J. Miles:

An ugly tie. (What else do you get for Bench Dad?)

Serge Ibaka:

A spa membership, so he can really get into those rest days, you know?

Malcolm Miller:

His first NBA basket. It’s coming eventually, so Santa why not let the Raps pound the Mavs on Boxing Day and give it to M&M then?

Jonas Valanciunas:

A time machine so he could go back to an era where his actually quite impressive game could get some consistent love.

Lucas Nogueira:

A “freak injury that disrupts your inconsistent career just as it’s gaining momentum” punch card. After ten, you get a pint of Rocky Road!

Fred VanVleet:

The chance to fulfil his destiny as Drake’s stunt double.

Norman Powell:

A chance to play a month of his career in a clearly defined role.

Pascal Siakam:

A confident three-point stroke.

Delon Wright:

A starring role in a remake of ‘The Parent Trap’ opposite Samira Wiley.

Lorenzo Brown:

One of those extra fancy La-Z-Boy chairs, with the cup holders, and the back massagers, so he can watch the game in comfort.

Bruno Caboclo:

For Toronto fans to look at the development curve of defencemen and power-forward’s in hockey and just chill.

Nick Nurse:

An overwhelming disinclination to take a head coaching job (sometimes it really is better to give than receive)

Dwane Casey:

A shield to protect him from the people who still think the Raps would be better off with someone else in charge.

Alfonzo McKinnie:

A signature moment to make his part in this column a lot easier to figure out.

Drake:

A new lint-roller, ‘natch.

Masai Ujiri:

James Dolan back in charge of the Knicks personnel decisions.