[extreme DJ Khaled voice] THEY TRIED TO PLAY US.
[more extreme DJ Khaled voice] THE RAPS PLAYED THEMSELVES.
Instead of talking about that dumpster fire of a game, let’s get to comparing each Raptor to a track on the new Migos tape.
- “Culture” - Terrence Ross: If anyone on this roster is getting in an pic with Khaled, you can guarantee it’s the King of the Gram T Ross.
- “T-Shirt” - Cory Joseph: Strictly because of the amount of shirseys this man has circulating around the city. Cory Jo shirseys are the premier choice of Bay Street bro over dress shirt game apparel.
- “Call Casting” - Norman Powell: Why you ask? Because if basketball was like the acting industry, Norman would be calling casting to ask for a bigger role.
- “Bad and Boujee” - DeMar DeRozan: Yes, Bad and Boujee is a fantastic song, yes it has reached mainstream success, and if music had boxscores, you’d look and see Bad and Boujee dropping 28 points a night and think “Whew, that’s gotta be the best song”.
- “Get Right Witcha” - Kyle Lowry: The best track on the album. The best player on the team. Holds the album together. Holds the Raptors together. Nuff said.
- “Slippery” - Patrick Patterson: Another banger of a track. It’s 2-Pat because of the way he’s a master of slipping screens to find open space for a jumper or a floater.
- “Big on Big” - Jonas Valanciunas: BIG SCIENCE HIMSELF. (Itty Bitty Ballers be damned)
- “What the Price” - Bebe Nogueira: With the way he elevates the team’s defence from blocking shots to the efficiency stats, what’s the price gonna be to retain him this offseason?
- “Brown Paper Bag” - Jared Sullinger: You know he was bringing a bagged lunch while putting in rehab work.
- “Deadz” - Pascal Siakam: Love 2 Chainz, love Pascal... but they’ve both got a ways to go on this one being tolerable.
- “All Ass” - DeMarre Carroll: Pretty accurate description of his three point stroke at the moment.
- “Kelly Price” - Jamaal Magloire: A living legend in his own right. Shoutout Eastern Commerce.
- “Cut Yo Way” - Bruno Caboclo: Don’t forget about it at the end of the album/bench!
My Geography of Toronto lecture just got real, [Ed. note: this is what happens when you leave your homework until the last minute, Mitch.] so let’s say the Raps go 3-1 this week with wins over the Pelicans, Celtics (the ship ain’t sinking yet!) and Nets, while DJ Augustin cooks us again in Orlando on Friday night.
What’s your prediction?