The Weekly Rap, Jan. 30th-Feb 5th: Culture Edition

[extreme DJ Khaled voice] THEY TRIED TO PLAY US.

[more extreme DJ Khaled voice] THE RAPS PLAYED THEMSELVES.

Instead of talking about that dumpster fire of a game, let’s get to comparing each Raptor to a track on the new Migos tape.

1. “Culture” - Terrence Ross: If anyone on this roster is getting in an pic with Khaled, you can guarantee it’s the King of the Gram T Ross.
2. “T-Shirt” - Cory Joseph: Strictly because of the amount of shirseys this man has circulating around the city. Cory Jo shirseys are the premier choice of Bay Street bro over dress shirt game apparel.
3. “Call Casting” - Norman Powell: Why you ask? Because if basketball was like the acting industry, Norman would be calling casting to ask for a bigger role.
4. “Bad and Boujee” - DeMar DeRozan: Yes, Bad and Boujee is a fantastic song, yes it has reached mainstream success, and if music had boxscores, you’d look and see Bad and Boujee dropping 28 points a night and think “Whew, that’s gotta be the best song”.
5. “Get Right Witcha” - Kyle Lowry: The best track on the album. The best player on the team. Holds the album together. Holds the Raptors together. Nuff said.
6. “Slippery” - Patrick Patterson: Another banger of a track. It’s 2-Pat because of the way he’s a master of slipping screens to find open space for a jumper or a floater.
7. “Big on Big” - Jonas Valanciunas: BIG SCIENCE HIMSELF. (Itty Bitty Ballers be damned)
8. “What the Price” - Bebe Nogueira: With the way he elevates the team’s defence from blocking shots to the efficiency stats, what’s the price gonna be to retain him this offseason?
9. “Brown Paper Bag” - Jared Sullinger: You know he was bringing a bagged lunch while putting in rehab work.
10. “Deadz” - Pascal Siakam: Love 2 Chainz, love Pascal... but they’ve both got a ways to go on this one being tolerable.
11. “All Ass” - DeMarre Carroll: Pretty accurate description of his three point stroke at the moment.
12. “Kelly Price” - Jamaal Magloire: A living legend in his own right. Shoutout Eastern Commerce.
13. “Cut Yo Way” - Bruno Caboclo: Don’t forget about it at the end of the album/bench!

My Geography of Toronto lecture just got real, [Ed. note: this is what happens when you leave your homework until the last minute, Mitch.] so let’s say the Raps go 3-1 this week with wins over the Pelicans, Celtics (the ship ain’t sinking yet!) and Nets, while DJ Augustin cooks us again in Orlando on Friday night.

What’s your prediction?