The Raptors Christmas Wishlist of 2016

We’re a mere three days out from the joys of Christmas morning and that means only one thing here at HQ: it’s time for the Raptors Christmas Wishlist! The idea here is self-explanatory — even if I’m about to make it a weird one anyway.

Now, I realize not everyone cares about the actual holiday of Christmas. Some people practice different religions, some people are turned off by the rampant commercialism of the holidays, some people just don’t like their family. I get it. But one of the basic tenets of Christmas is the idea that it is better to give than to receive. So, consider this our way of doing our part. We shall give the gift of.... content.

Anyway, the list!

Kyle Lowry

The other day, when Jodie Meeks decided it was a good idea to get in Lowry’s face, the Raptors’ leader decided to burn the Magic to the ground. I’d like to wrap that moment up, along with a host of other slights (perceived or otherwise) and give them to Lowry. May they act as fuel for the furnace that burns within him for years to come.

DeMar DeRozan

I can think of no finer gift for DeRozan than a season-long 48 percent shooting percentage. The knots people will have to tie themselves in to justify that run will be a treasure for DeRozan (and all of us, really) for a long time.

DeMarre Carroll

A time machine. I will say no more. The pain... it is too great.

Pascal Siakam

A time machine, but for different reasons. I’d like to fast forward a couple of years to when Siakam is the dominant power forward of the Raptors’ future.

Jonas Valanciunas

If we were being mean I’d suggest giving Jonas some hairstyle guidance (though who am I to judge?). Instead, I say let’s steer into the skid: barbershop and salon gift certificates! Get that hair cut in new and funky ways every week or two Jonas, really get nuts with it.

Terrence Ross

Not sure how Bulk Barn hasn’t begun an entire ad campaign built around a T-Ross endorsement (our man Alex “steven lebron” Wong would do it for free), but here we are. Give this man a huge crate of candy in separate little plastic baggies.

Cory Joseph

Joseph always strikes me as a guy too cool to actually want anything. If he gets something, hey, alright, nice. But if not, he’ll just return to walking the Earth like Caine from Kung Fu. Still, a notch or two of more confidence in his three-point shot would be pretty dope.

Patrick Patterson

Let’s get Patterson some Criterion DVDs and really blow his mind. This guy was way to turned up at the thought of Leonardo DiCaprio winning an Oscar. We need to intervene here. Wait until you see Le Samourai, Days of Heaven, or A Brighter Summer Day, Pat!

Lucas Nogueira

I want to give Bebe a moment. You know what I mean? He’s heading towards a big play at some point in the future. Maybe in a close game later this season, or in the playoffs. And all of a sudden, people, commentators, the general basketball world, will be talking about him. I want to give that moment to Lucas. He’s due.

Norman Powell

Minutes, obviously.

Jared Sullinger

Even after Sully gets healthy, I hope someone gets him a scooter. Let that man ride on and on and on...

Jakob Poeltl

More strong dunks for big Jak. Remember how excited he was when he threw the hammer down on the Hawks? This is a man who wants to get turnt.

Delon Wright

I still can’t get over Delon’s abject (and abruptly hidden) sadness at his “Baby D-Wright” nickname. To him I wish to impart the gift of man strength so that he may dominate all who oppose him. Wright makes right, or something.

Bruno Caboclo

I don’t feel it’s unfair to say that of all the Raptors, Bruno would most enjoy the act of running down to a Christmas tree in the early morning to unwrap gifts. Have you seen his smile? Come on! I can’t even come up with something specific to get him (no socks and underwear though; they’re the lamest of gifts). I just want him to experience that joy.

Fred VanVleet

This is going to sound mean, because Fred seems like a really cool guy and the Raptors like having him around. He’s a solid young pro. But, but, but, but, you can see why, despite the sharpness he exhibits at the point guard position, he is a lightly regarded player. We need to gift him a few inches of height.

Dwane Casey

Truly the only thing this man wants more than anything is consistency from his team on the defensive end. Maybe one day, when the basketball is played by robots, he shall receive the dream. Until then: we wish it on his behalf.

Masai Ujiri

A crystal ball. If the Raptors make a move now and it doesn’t work out, that’s bad. If they don’t make a move and it doesn’t work out, that’s bad. There’s a lot of uncertainty out there, is my point. Masai would like to see the future.

So there you have it. A lot of very non-traditional and, quite frankly, impossible gifts to impart. I think we nailed it.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and now enjoy some time off.