clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Cast the Raptors: What roles would they be good for?

New, comments

Trainwreck with Lebron James is out. It's the summer. Let's get weird.

Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

With the release of Trainwreck this past weekend, we are now witness to the cinematic debut of Lebron James. It's true James has popped up on TV before in cameos, and he's been in a million commercials; there's even a documentary about his upbringing. But this--this is the big time.

Lebron's performance in Trainwreck does not call upon much in the way of his acting muscles. He plays himself. Still, he does play a type: he's the funny sidekick/best friend standing across from romantic leads Bill Hader and Amy Schumer. It's funny because usually a sidekick isn't also the best basketball player on the face of the earth.

As a result, my mind turned to the current Raptors roster and I got to casting. Which acting roles would each Raptor player be best suited for? We've got their names, so let's give them a role.

Kyle Lowry

Public defender who takes on a loser case in a massive class action corporate lawsuit.

DeMar DeRozan

Enigmatic intelligence officer who knows more than he lets on. Dies heroically in the climactic scene.

DeMarre Carroll

Post-apocalyptic wanderer forced to lead the last band of struggling survivors to safety.

Patrick Patterson

The romantic lead's too cool, too smooth rival.

Jonas Valanciunas

Wacky neighbour.

Terrence Ross

Soft spoken lead in an indie coming-of-age story with too many navel-gazing scenes.

Luis Scola

The sage hippie mentor.

Cory Joseph

The cool high school student the other kids look up to.

James Johnson

The fearsome villain who ends up being undone by some small ignored detail right before his moment of triumph.

Bismack Biyombo

Bumbling slapstick chef in a string of comedies set in different international locales.

Lucas Nogueira

A wild and reckless cop who always runs afoul of his superiors in order to get the job done.

Bruno Caboclo

The over-matched and straight-laced partner.

Delon Wright

New-in-town symphony conductor struggling to overcome the long shadow cast by an older brother.

Norman Powell

Demolition expert in action movie ensemble. Fourth male lead, but owns all the film's coolest moments.

Michale Kyser

Random citizen in a monster movie whose name is spoken right before something bad happens to him.

Did I get these right? How about some former Raptors?