After spending ten days in the beautiful Icelandic countryside, I've come to realize that our societal addiction to social media has come at the cost of appreciating true beauty. Mountains, glaciers, volcanic cracks where wet, lush moss glows green and springs eternal - we pass over these, our heads down in our cell phones, stepping aimlessly toward the death that awaits us.
Are you following the Raptors on social media? Stop it at once. Stop wasting your minutes and hours on bad dubsmash videos, mediocre cartoon edits, and sub-professional product promotions. Go outside, smell the flowers, call your mother (she misses you).
While you enjoy life, I will be your martyr again this season, summarizing these wasteland feeds every week. Here's our first installment for 2015-16.
We start with a weird one. Here's a dark room photo of Jonas Valanciunas, Raptors assistant coach Rex Kalamian, and team broadcasters Matt Devlin, Jack Armstrong, and Leo Rautins with the man, the legend - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
I have so many questions. How did dinner in Dallas become a trip to Jerry Jones' house? Does anyone on the Raptors read headlines? Who is Jerry talking to? Is that a portrait of Jones in the background? If anyone has info, my inbox is open.
In more expected news, Terrence Ross has gone from good(!) to meh to overpaid to injured in just two weeks, and had quite the backlash when he announced his new 4-year contract on Instagram. Raptors fans brought the usual level of chill, amassing 504 comments of pure, seething hatred for the young wing. Obviously fed up, Ross replied to one particular hater. Oops.
Look at Grey Goose Terrence Ross posturing on Instagram lmfaoooo. pic.twitter.com/FvW5ih187n— harsh (@IamHarshDave) November 9, 2015
The Raptors other well-paid small forward, DeMarre Carroll, exudes a much different brand of social media - unadultered, all caps positivity. Posts like these hit my timeline between 12 and 15 times a day.
Patrick Patterson has been a staple of this column, but he's been oddly quiet on and off the court so far this season. I dug a bit and found this cringe-worthy lip dub video, though, so definitely watch that.
Kyle Lowry has taken up occasional comedy too, criticizing movie characters for not performing workouts to Skinny Lowry's high standards. You can't Get Fit Quick in sweatpants, Sly.
I'm watching rocky IV and I'm just thinking he didn't even have on the right attire to be running up a mountain and prob sub degrees Lol !!— Kyle Lowry (@Klow7) October 24, 2015
Finally, I know I've already put too many words on this site for Amir Johnson, especially considering he doesn't play here anymore. I can't help but feel left out, though, when he went viral for filming Kelly Olynyk trying to eat a burrito in four bites, shouting lines like "Eat it like you eat the booty!"
This column was invented for moments like this, and now Amir is off gallivanting burrito Snapchats for the Boston Celtics and it makes me sad. To make you sad too, here's an adorable picture from DeMar DeRozan, laughing with Lowry at Amir's big hilarious head on FaceTime.
See you next week.