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DeMarcus Cousins Scared Jonas Valanciunas Yesterday. Here's A Very American Apology.

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On behalf of Boogie and everyone in the USA, a contrite Corbin Smith offers his sincerest apologies for a terrible international incident.

David Ramos

Corbin Smith writes at his Biscuitball blog which we highly recommend. He also contributes to Portland Roundball Society. Corbin decided to write an apology on behalf of all the Americans for the Boogie Cousins-Jonas Valanciunas incident yesterday. We'll let you decide if he got all the tropes about Canadians right for yourself (BTW, Jonas is not technically Canadian, but hey, just play along).

Hey, Canada. Thanks for meeting with me.

Just wanted to say that The United States is really sorry about Demarcus Cousins scaring your boy.

You know how it can be, the heat of competition and all that. DeMarcus Cousins is a rambunctious young man, but he didn’t mean anything by it. He says he’s really sorry and it won’t happen again.

Yeah, just a big misunderstanding!

You know, you get those colors on, that Red, White and Blue, and there's a lot of emotions. He was just out there, trying to get the win. So, we’re cool? Great. Awesome. So anyway. I think you guys have something to apologize for? Because, you know…

What? "On accident?"

I mean, okay, but you should probably still apologize, right? Okay, haha, whatever. No, it’s not "Totally different, ‘eh’!"

He elbowed him in the throat, and Boogie got mad, and then he got a technical, even though he held himself back… I just, I shouldn’t be surprised, you know, they way you Canadians are. Oh, you "Don’t know what I’m talking about!?" Maybe hop on that Google.ca you guys have and type in "passive aggressive" and you’ll learn a little something.

At least where we’re from we get you (*punches palm with fist*) right up front, none of this behind the back and crying to the refs crap in the US of A!

Hey, I’m just going to lay this out right now. I was nice, I came over here to try to be the bigger man, but we all know what happened. You guys got punked, USA Style, again. DeMarcus showed you guys what you're are made of and it’s balsa wood. I know your whole country walks around like you’re so great because you have free health care.

I’m just saying, maybe if you had a little bit of what DeMarcus showed back there, a little fire in the belly, a little American Spice hot off the barbecue, then maybe y’all wouldn’t still have a Queen.

Yeah, sure, "Figurehead." But who’s on the 20 dollar bill? Oh, right an OLD LADY living acroooooooooss the ocean. You know who’s on our 20 dollar bill? Andrew Jackson! Do you know anything about him? No? Well, take my word for it, he was a (*struggles*) good person and a great American, not an English guy at least!

As a matter of fact, he punked you Englishmen in the War of 1812, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO! You know what, this was dumb. I’m getting the hell out of here. C’mon Demarcus. Don’t come crying to us if Andrew Wiggins gets a bloody nose on a pick next year because we do not care anymore. Maybe Steve Nash will teach your boys to play defense by the time the next Olympics come around, oh, wait!

(Editor's note: this might be the last time we allow an American to contribute to this site.)