FanPost

PRIMO PASTA COMMERICAL STARRING ANDREA BARGNANI – 2006-2013

My first post. Testing this out to see how it goes.

During these 2013 NBA Playoffs, two related story lines have emerged that should be of great concern to Raptors fans. The first, obviously, is the hiring of new MLSE CEO Tim Leiweke and the impact it will have on Raptor's management. The second and far more important issue is Primo Pasta no longer running Andrea Bargnani commercials during NBA games. In its place, NBA Canada's pre-eminent advertiser has been running a pre-HD ad that looks like it was filmed vertically on an iPhone. While the change in promos could easily be explained by the traditional lack of Raptor team in any playoff match up, I choose to interpret it as a sign: The last major entity in favor of Bargnani remaining in Toronto has officially cut ties and the Il Mago era, thankfully, is almost over.

In an Oprah-inspired effort to do that speak into existence thing she raves about, I present the Primo Pasta Commercial starring Andrea Bargnani obituary. May whoever is running the Raptors in the next 72 hours read it and understand, we the fans have had enough pawsta and sawce.

RIP PRIMO PASTA COMMERICAL STARRING ANDREA BARGNANI - 2006-2013

Primo Pasta Commercial starring Andrea Bargnani - the Toronto Raptor's main cultural contribution since Vince Carter was a half amazing half man - sadly died this month. The cause of death: viewer appeasement.

Born in 2006, months after Bargnani was selected first overall in the NBA Draft, Primo Pasta Commercial blended culinary banality with mediocre jump shooting. Of the ten shots taken by Il Mago during the 30 second spot, only three are shown going into the basket; definitive proof Primo Pasta Commercial was a better scout than the actual scouts working for Canada's only NBA team.

Viewers watched in amazement as MLSE executive chef Robert Bartley stood in a gymnasium carefully explaining how "exercise and drills help Andrea stay game ready but to be fully prepared Andrea needs to eat right."

Have wiser words ever been spoken? Tell us more judicious sage chef Robert Bartley:

"With Primo pasta and sauce as part of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle, Andrea can compete game in and game out."

As Raptor fans know too well, the seven-foot "center" did not heed Bartley's advice. Aside from the 19 game run in 2012 when Bargs' play was something akin to an above average NBAer, in the same way Dennis Rodman's voice is something akin to a talking person, the famed pasta pusher failed to deliver on his potential. Rumors of an unbalanced diet and not healthy lifestyle swirled.

Towards the end of the commercial, Bargnani, hunching over a plate of pasta, delivers his one line: "Primow Pawsta and Sawce." There's some speculation (mostly by me) as to why Bargnani inserted a "w" into three of the four words he was asked to speak. Was his English that bad? Was this his sly commentary on the comical depiction of Italian accents in North American pop culture? Was Bargs channeling his inner Nicolas Cage and just trying something?

We will never know the answers to these questions because knowing anything about Andrea Bargnani is impossible. Andrea Bargnani is the enigma of enigmas.

Despite the well documented on court troubles of its star, Primo Pasta Commercial aired vigilantly (as many as thirty-five times in a single game) easily taking the title of most-watched pasta and sauce commercial staring an inscrutable NBA player. Given the relentless airtime over the last seven years, one can assume over a half decade's worth of advertising budget was sunk into the promo, which is curious because it has the production value of a cat video. Clearly Primo execs wanted to capitalize on the once in a generation marketing jackpot that is a number one draft pick who has a strong gastronomic heritage and lifeless personality. Eventually Primo Pasta Commercial, a one-time beacon of all that was possible with endorsement deals, degenerated into a symbol of all that was wrong with the Raptors.

Primo Pasta Commercial is survived by Andrea Bargnani's NBA All-Star Anthem, a pasta inspired music video commemorating what, in the end, was a two month-long mirage.

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